Friday, May 11, 2012

Day 107

Mom has always wanted us to share her journey with as many as would listen that they could see the light that has touched each one of us.  I wasn't sure at first, about counting days. There was something about it that seemed too dark and finite a heading. And yet, January 26th, zero hour, the day of mom's diagnosis, the day the earth shook like my heart and time became something new.

Time seems even stranger now than when I first started counting days. El tiempo. Mi maestra. How can a force so constant seem so changeable? The answer is simple, I suppose. The change occurs within me.

If there is something I would share about this journey today, it is that today is the new day. Today is a day within each of us that can begin at any moment. Each day my mother remains with us is a new day. Hope is the light that breaks through the pressing reality of an uncertain tomorrow. Uncertain for us all. It seems that the light shines brightest as you near the darkest realities of time. 

I think I spend much of my time distracting myself from its passing whilst bemoaning my ability to keep it from ticking on. But, time is not an unconquerable foe. It is our anxiety of tomorrow that defeats us, not tomorrow itself. It is our regret about yesterday that keeps us from stepping forward into today. 

Please believe, I declare these things more to myself than to anyone. It is a lesson I am still learning from my mother. She understands the light of the moment with such a keen and sexy whimsy that she makes even the most demanding moment seem no greater than any other. While she can turn even the mundane into an unforgettable joy. 

Accidentally fabulous, I call it. But, of course, it's not accidental at all. If you have entered her home, you'll know what I mean. There is something so inviting and utterly delicious about walking into a space my mom makes. You can't quite explain, but you instantly feel a kind of warmth, then comfortable - like on your own couch in your cozy pj's on a Saturday afternoon comfortable, and then there is this ease in conversation wherein you find yourself being truly vulnerable and happy beside. 

That is her power over time. You feel safe and easy in the moment. Unconcerned with the future. Forgetful of the troubles that seemed to retreat at the door.

I'm not sure if I'll ever stop counting days. January 26th will always mark my time. But the most important thing about Day 107 is that it's today. 

7 comments:

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  2. Beautifully written Jess. May God continue to comfort you and give you strength. Always know your household is at the top of our prayers.

    As always, big hugs ~ and of course all our love and support.

    Scott & Susie

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  3. Jess,
    That was wonderful to read. I'm keeping you all in my prayers. I'm going to write another letter today and send it off.

    Much Love,

    Tommy

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  4. So blessed for TIME. I love that she is still teaching us. Love you Jess!

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  6. Jess,

    Today time is our enemy. Several years ago time was our hero. Our hero because time was counting the days to the birth of your mom, my friend, my best friend's soul mate.

    For if it was not for time, we would never have known such a wonderful person. By the way, if not for that time, we would not have you, an equally wonderful person.

    As time does tick it's ugly sound these days, rejoice of the days that she has and will give to us. Today, and forever in our memories.

    Be strong. Time does teach us all that each day we have are true miracles.

    Remember all the time you had with her, and will have to come in your memories

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  7. Doreen and Michael MarinoMay 14, 2012 at 9:04 AM

    Dear Jess and John,

    Please know that we are with you every day. While we are silent on our end, you are in our hearts daily, sending wishes of some peace for you all.

    We love you. Please tell Denise we love her and are with her.

    Love, Doreen and Michael

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